Shocking, absolutely appaling!

Title: I love you Phillip Morris
Director: Glenn Ficarra; John Requa
Written by: Steve McVicker, Glen Ficarra, John Requa
Starring: Rodrigo Santoro; Ewan MacGregor; Jim Carrey and Leslie Mann


“I love you Philip Morris” is easily one of the biggest disappointments of the 2010 Cinema releases. There’s no drama, outrage, shock or overtly graphic phallic images, in fact there isn’t a Wang insight throughout the entire film and to boot, well there’s more Hetero snuggle than Homo Bang. I know this may seem strange, but in all honesty I was expecting more, you know the kind of gross factor that made films like Shortbus legendary and Mysterious Skin infamous. No “I Love you, Philip Morris” is pretty banal, it’s funny and clever and even more it’s romantic, genuine romance the kind of shit you’re used to seeing Ethan Hawke in. No “I Love you, Philip Morris” is a sincere genuine romantic film about two fucked up people, who are deeply in love and try and do everything to please one another and remain in love.

MacGregor is a tour de force delivering one of his most memorable performances as the hopeless overly affectionate Philip Morris, and Jim Carey, well Jim Carey could make Robert Mugabe laugh. Carey plays Steven Russell a burnout cop turned con-man who goes on all out mission to defraud every tom dick and sally he meets, A gay Icon, Carey learns the difficulties of decadence by turning to fraud. And man is he good, so he good he defrauds even the viewer, he meets Morris (MacGregor) in prison and falls hopelessly in love and proceeds to do everything in his power to keep his baby safe.
I
t’s really shameful, to think the world made such a hoorah over this film, when it has less pole than a pole vaulting competition, the thing that makes this so offensive at a fundamental level is that two men can be in love. And not the typical gay-love we’re accustomed to seeing which involves hours and hours of Rocket science but instead the kind of love every post-menopausal housewife dreams of. It’s funny and sweet and gay, but not Will and Grace gay, or Brokeback gay, but rather gay like Neapolitan ice cream, just different.

I give it 6 Hoers

Just marry Penelope Cruz already!

Title: Broken Embraces
Director: Pedro Almovador
Written By: Pedro Almovador
Starring: Penelope Cruz, Rubén Ochandiano; Lluís Homar; José Luis Gómez

Almovador’s back with a bang in his latest Film “Broken Embraces” a disjointed love story told over two decades which investigates the constructive and destructive aspects of obsession, desire lust and envy. It has the typical ingredients of any Latin American Soap Opera except this time we get Penelope Cruz’s magnificent jugs, the alluring Spanish countryside and pristine performances by Rubén Ochandiano, Lluís Homarand and José Luis Gómez. It’s 1993 and Lena is a secretary working for Ernesto Martel, tragedy serves a fresh dollop of FML and Lena’s father –who has stomach cancer- gets kicked out of his hospital and onto the street. Without Medical Aid, or a trust fund Lena’s family is left destitute to watch the old man die until her “oh so” charitable boss steps in to save the day and in the process wins her heart or she wins his Credit Card. Martel finds happiness with Lena as the ultimate trophy wife and sex toy allowing for a loveless, lust filled relationship to grow. Enter Mateo Blanco -A budding and up and coming director who casts Lena in his latest film and his bedroom, leading to hysteria, Intrigue, murder and even permanent blindness. It’s saucy painful stuff, enough to make you tear up at times, and hit half mast at others, all in all a powerful, chilling piece of cinema which examines the role, lies, deceit, greed and time play in our lives.
I give it 8 hoers .

Death of erotica: Boobs never hurt anyone taller than 5’5

I like porn, I’m not afraid to say it, it serves a purpose, its convenient and its dangerous, but not so dangerous that it might hurt anyone, it’s private, to the point, unrealistic and at times highly entertaining. It can be cathartic or meaningless, but at least it’s predictable and reliable. However I love erotica. Do you remember erotica? Flesh on flesh, choreographed against perfect lighting and just enough coo’s and aahh’s to make it tasteful.

Billy Bob mounting Halle? Neve and Rebecca creating the ultimate Ménage trios with Matt Dillon, Rebecca Romijn going all natural as an alien in Species. Pleasant, exciting and always amusing, as sex generally is, but most importantly it was necessary. Imagine the Devil’s Advocate without Charlize showing us what came out of her Ma’s Benoni? Imagine Nadia didn’t get full frontal in American Pie to help Jim give new meaning to the term premature? Basic Instinct without Sharon Stone fucking men to death? What we’d have is what you have in your toilet bowl, Kak.

Erotica’s great, it’s an intrinsic part of cinema, without it film’s flat, tired and viciously unattractive kind of like Helen ZIlle. Erotica allows us to believe in sex as something outside of the embarrassing mess we find ourselves in at 4AM after one too many tiger shots and excessive indulging in trying to break the roof in on Lola’s. Erotica helps us to remember some of the most memorable moments in films, because like anything in the movies when done right, it serves as a vital part of the film and etching it in our memories as an important part of our existence.

We’re living in the “most progressive” times in the history of the human race, civil liberties and human rights are at an all time high on the soft-cock index. You can say anything, love anyone, associate with anyone, love how you want, worship how you want and most importantly believe what you want. But as long as it doesn’t offend anyone, it’s kind of like having matches and being told you can use them however you like as long as you don’t burn anything. Mind my French but, “Fuck that!” and fuck this liberal agenda. I want to be offended, emotionally scarred, Crying Game 2 let’s do it! We have films discussing taboo’s, investigating the disenfranchised and marginalized, calling to order everything that’s wrong in the world. We’ve reached the pinnacle of liberalism in popular cinema. Holy Cow’s have been removed from our vocabulary and anything is now permissible. Except anything which might genuinely offend ala Dirk Diggler showing all 12”. It’s great we’re free, everyone’s a human being and given the respect a human being deserves. It’s all rather depressing and frankly fuckin boring, bring back political incorrectness, boobs, highly staged sex scenes and the possibility of the world staying exactly the way it is. Because that’s reality and not the “OMG I think this situation is so awkward and post-modern and yeah I’m gonnna fuckin barf if this shit continues” cinema.

Film: Super Cool Film!

A fun sunny day in the Park, in the 1920's or 2009. or 2010.
You choose
Enjoy.

Full blown Auteured

Christoper Nolan goes Full Blown Auteured in 2010 “Inception”. What is being touted as the baddest fuckin film of the year is easily one of the most interesting ideas to come out of a film since the “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and “The Matix”

Leo “The baddest man alive” stars in the Sci-Fi mindfuck as a thief of sorts who literally goes into people’s brains and steals information. I know… What? It seems far too far-fetched to work or be plausible but then again it is Christopher Nolan and he is the same man who gave us Memento and completely revived the Batman trilogy.

With a star-studded cast which includes Ken Wanatabe, Luke Haas, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Michael Caine and Joseph Gordon Levitt. This promises to be THAT film, you know that film that everyone’s talking about, that film that people somehow relate to such absurdities as the coming of Christ and spend hours blogging about and try to deconstruct?

Yeah. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

South African Release Date: 30-07-2010

International Release Date: 16-07-2010

Eating Paint.

Title: Killers

Directed By: Robert Luketic

Written by: Bob DeRosa and Ted Griffin

Starring: Ashton Kutcher; Tom Selleck, Katherine Heigel and Usher Raymond IV

Bang average Rom Com Flick with Ashton ‘I was gaining some credibility with Punk’d’ Kutcher. It’s quite a simple narrative focusing around the dogged and oh-so delicate relationship between Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigel) and Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) which has reached the dreaded three year mark. Baby’s, 401K plans and whether or not Jen’s getting her mom’s arms are all in question. It’s pretty damn average the kind of crap no one ever really wants to see unless they’re in an elevator or ate too much popcorn the night before.

In a former life Spencer was a trained assassin and this sends the entire melancholic middle class love tale tits up when he’s reactivated as an agent. Of course 36C Blonde Jen has no clue and upon learning this goes fully menopausal. To add to this tired gimmick is the fact that Jen’s father is played by uber-straight Tom Selleck who’s also a tough-giligitee of some kind and also murders people after breakfast.

Aimes is a badass assassin and everyone knows this and his whole neighborhood of sleeper assassins set out to murder him Jen. Leading a to a series of tired and under-developed action sequences decorated with heated arguments that only Noleen fans find amusing and to put the proverbial cherry on the top Jen’s pregnant and they have to deal with that too.

At a fundamental level it’s about Aimes and Kornfeldt’s marriage and how their anxieties and problems are made comedic, but in reality they have none, and everything is perfect in paradise.

It’s exactly what you expect and less with a poor showing by Robert Luketic who never really gets the comedy or the action down and his only strong point is Catherine O’Hara as Mrs. Kornfeldt, the furiously hilarious alcoholic hell bent on getting as pissed as possible.

I give it 2 Hoers

Borole.

Jarmusch is black.

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