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Title: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Director: Terry Gilliam

Release Date: 05-02-2010

So I don’t know if you know of a guy by the name of Terry Gilliam? Someone once referred to him as human cocaine, because he’s fuckin amazing, but man too much of him will fuck you up!

Well Mr. G strikes again in 2010 and this promises to be his most ambitious project yet, The film tells the story of Dr. Parnassus and his extraordinary 'Imaginarium', a travelling show where members of the audience get an irresistible opportunity to choose between light and joy or darkness and gloom. But then Gilliam completely flips the script, he throws in a love story, The devil played by Tom Waits –It don’t get no better!- a child who belongs to Tom Waits but was born of the immortal, serial gambling Dr. Parnassus. But then just to let shit get more out of hand the entire narrative focuses on Parnassus trying to go back on his wager with uSatan! And enlisting the help of a myriad and fantastic characters. But what really makes this almost unbearable to wait for is the fact that the lead character in he film was played by none other than Mr. Heath Ledger, who if you will remember died, ja it sucks, so Giliam being the bad muthafucka that he is salvaged the entire project by bringing in Johnny “I win” Depp, Jude “really he’s still acting” Law and Colin “what condom?” Farell to play different versions of his character! It’s oh so bold it’s so ambitious but does it not sound so delicious?

We’re going to have to pray for fire for this one children, because it sounds way too awesome to be true.

5^th of February? That seems far, but so does Malmo!

BOROLE OUT!

GO GAY GO LOW GO FAST!

I love it when Heterosexual actors go gay for a role, it makes the whole concept of Gay for pay in the Adult industry that more entertaining. Heterosexual actors involving themselves in Homosexual acts is a lot like watching Fat kids exercise it’s sincerely humorous and endearing. On the one hand its touching in that these ‘noble and honorable’ beings are going so far to further the cause of homosexuals ala Laurence Olivier in Othello and on the other its hilarious because beneath all those years of method acting and artistic integrity you’re still thinking “AWKWARD, AWKWARD!

That’s for heterosexual actors of course, if you are gay kiss my ass! Because that’s not work that’s just getting ass you should be paying for it like the rest of us!

I digress, anyhoo, it’s taken 16 whole months for the United States of Cream Cakes and Corn Starch Kids to finally allow Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey to make out in a commercial cinema –Damn Them!- in the film “I love you Phillip Morris”. Which I’m afraid to say we’ll probably never see in a South African cinema, as the last thing the ANC and Ster-Kinekor need to see is the Gay-Gevaar, especially after we’ve just got over the Swaart-Gevaar and the Mlungu-Gevaar and the Happy Sindane-Gevaar!

Gevaar! Beautiful word.

Write a letter! Send an E-mail! Make a phone call! Do something so we can watch this gem on a gigantic screen for an unquestionably unreasonable amount of money because anyone who doesn’t want to see Megan Fox taking a shit on a desk must have money.

Hmmm…

They should make a sequel to this “I love you Fikile Mbalula”….

I wonder who will hold the proverbial Mshini Wami in this flick?

WHAT’S MY NAME, WATSON!!!!???

Title: Sherlock Holmes
Director: Guy Ritchie
Release Date: 08-12-2009

I remember the first-time I saw Snatch, my friends and I all decided that we’d go to school the next week and find the fattest blackest child we could and name him Tyrone and ensure that he get a drivers license illegally, so that he’s be shit at driving and then give him an English accent and then we’d name him Tyrone and whenever he did anything remotely retarded we’d be like “Tyrell what ‘ave you done?”. It was precocious but fuck did it seem like a good idea, that Guy Ritchie circa Snatch (2000) he was a visionary an Autuer, fuck I was pretty sure guy Ritchie was responsible for 90% of sewerage complaints in the London area as I was sure he shat bullets out his ass, the man was a demi-god, a general bad mother. Then he married Madonna and well that walking VD-factory managed to poison all the awesomeness out of him and he gave us that fuckin horrid flick Swept Away and then Revolver which was a lot like the time I caught my uncle rubbing vanilla ice-cream on his genitals. We’re not gonna talk about it! and then RocknRolla which was a lot like bad head, average but you’d rather have it than not have it.

So now here it is Sherlock Holmes, It seems like a piece of shit to me personally but then again we’re holding out that the parting from the Succubus Madge has managed to give good ol’ Popeye Ritchie back the spunk that made him and Mike Tyson some of the baddest men alive. It’s hard to fail, but we’re not talking about failing here we’re talking about taking names and Sodomy, which he achieved with “Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels”. So join me on the 8^th of January outside of Cavendish Ster Kinekor and find out if the dreams of Mathieu’s sister come true and maybe I can go find my Tyrone in the hordes of West Africans which now inhabit our country and make pimps look stylish.

Borole Out! Of the Closet!

Lesbians are real.

Seth Effrika, It's naas!

I Like Clint Eastwood, I say that because he’ll probably outlive me, and were I to proclaim my dislike he’d probably come get me on my death bed and drop kick the shit out of me whilst whistling the immortalized jingle from Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo –The good the bad and the ugly-. That being said he knows sweet fuck all about rugby. Highlighted in the film Invictus’s construction of the game of rugby especially scrums. Yank directors have been constructing lines of scrimmage -ala Oliver Stone in Any Given Sunday-, for years with intense close ups, slow panning movements, montages of game day paraphernalia and distorted grunts, this makes it seem heroic, masculine and all out fuckin fantastic. The same treatment done to a scrum, reads like a homoerotic love scene outside of an Indian restaurant.

Invictus is hot like lava and not curry, I liked it up until the homosexual pterodactyls invaded the screen in the form of a scrum.

The film is littered with a series of insightful and astute motifs to construct the tale of discord, hope, redemption and shiny shirts. My favourite being the awesome Johan De Villiers in the oh-so fabulous pragtig TV1 studios! Outside of that there’s the beautiful and genuine racial tension threatening to tear a nation apart and most importantly the relationship between Morgan FreemanMandela and Matt Damon.

Damon and FreemanMandela do a stellar job in their portrayal of two of South Africa’s favourite sons, FreemanMandela’s so good that he reminds me of the time my dad nailed my mom and I was born, it was epic, like him.

Invictus is slow yet engrossing, Eastwood’s film focused around the character of Nelson FreemanMandela who shrinks to vicious alienation and loneliness. It’s heartbreaking to see someone invest themselves so greatly in something that no one else seems willing to support him on. As the essence of the text, his ageing brown mask stretches across white walls in echoey hallways waiting to be filled by the screams of joy the character so undoubtedly craves. Eastwood never trivializes South Africa he keeps it genuine and organic, remarkably he gives it interiority told through the balanced egalitarian racism fired from both Black and White which could come across as preachy and inspire some kind of 1994 rainbow nation bullshit but instead remains genuine. Both sides with machetes concealed wait to destroy each other, but then this stupid game called rugby gets in the way and all of a sudden everyone’s hugging, kissing and furthering the spread of the AIDS virus.

Racism’s fuck-childish and Eastwood highlights this repeatedly, not by getting some mildly retarded kids to talk about how they don’t see colour, but rather by just simply showing that its retarded .The tale is one of despair and unjustified hope, something that both Peinaar and FreemanMandela embody. It’s amazing to think that one would be so bold to think that entire nation’s stability and self-determination lies in a game about 15 men hell bent on molesting one another, and fuck it’s pretty damn ambitious too, but Eastwood manages to get away with it and in the process creates a tenderness and sincerity in its execution.

It’s not amazing but it’ll catch you giggling at the absurdity of it all and if that ain’t enough Morgan FreemanMandela owns more shit than Christiano taking a free kick. So what!?

Dig it! Because all the cool kids will hate on it.

No Highlights in Twilight

23! That’s the amount of times I heard love confessed in the latest instalment of the Twilight saga, New Moon. Coincidentally that is also the rating that I would give it on a scale from 0 to 100. In this modern day love triangle Bella (Kristen Stewart) is forced to choose between two ‘men’ who are polar opposites. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is warm to the touch, tanned, two years her junior and covered in rippling muscle. Edward (Robert Pattinson) is cold, pale, 90 years older than her and has an insubstantial build.

Some might argue that it is not fair that I review New Moon as I have less than a quarter of the required Estrogen levels to buy into it. But, sadly, that is not why I disliked the second Twilight film. I didn’t enjoy it simply because it was tacky.

New Moon felt like a sell out compared to the original film (which says a lot). It was as if after the first film they had realised what a fantastic job the casting department had done and employed every possible tactic in order to capitalise on that. Edward Cullen seems to only move in slow motion and has his own weather pattern as a gentle breeze continuously blows solely on him. Since Jacob has ‘filled out’, as he so aptly words it, causing him to double in size since the last film he doesn’t seem to feel the need to wear a shirt… ever. Bella, on the other hand revealed as little of herself as ever, so little in fact that she only showed two emotions; depression and misery (there’s appears to be a subtle difference).

Unfortunately, my issues with the film do not stop at the cast. The story of New Moon seemed really thin, as if they didn’t have enough to fill the required amount of screen time. Perhaps they only realised this quite late on in production and decided to insert the multiple shots of characters walking in slow motion. The slow motion became so tedious and awkward eventually that the audience began to laugh uncomfortably, which detracted from the film.

However, to be fair, I do understand that I don’t fit into the target market for the film. So my conclusion is that if you are a young girl who listens to Lady Gaga and feels that the world doesn’t quite understand you (except Edward of course), or if you are a guy who desperately wants to be with a girl but can’t because you’re afraid that you’ll hurt her, then this film is for you.

James ‘the soon to be heavily rebuked’ Brown

Big is Beautiful!

CGI can only be compared to shoulder pads in American Football, its necessary but when you use them, you just look like a gigantic pussy.

Allowing for the heavens to sprout open their legs and bless us with MY-MAN! Spike Jonze who unlike his contemporaries doesn’t revel in the excess of Computer Generated Images, instead Mr. Jonze uses live action props to create his amazing wonderlands ala Being John Malkovich. 2010 barring being the effing best year ever sees Mr. Jonze release the much anticipated “Where the Wild things are”.

Which like most affairs with Teenage strippers promises to be Fantastic!

SO SET BACK THE CLOCK AND JOIN ME OUTSIDE STER KINEKOR CLAREMONT AS I WAIT FOR WHAT PROMISES TO BE THE CINEMATIC EVENT OF THE YEAR…. I HOPE.

RELEASE DATE: 08-01-2010