legion-dary... NAAT

Title: Legion
Director: Scott Stewart
Writer: Scott Stewart, Peter Schinck
Cast: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Kevin Durand

What if God grew tired of us? Would he send plagues to wipe us out? He’s done it before to some dudes in the desert. Perhaps just destroy the planet altogether? It only takes seven days to make a new one. Maybe he would sterilise everybody and let us die out. But isn’t that what microwaves are for? There are many simple, logical manners in which he could exterminate us, but Legion, the new film by Scott Stewart, provides us with a different answer. If God got bored with the people he created he would send a legion of angels and mindless zombies to kill us all one by one. Quick, straightforward, rational thinking really… Nice one God.

Ten things I learned from Legion:

1. You can’t shoot through angel wings

2. Neck-biting undead, soulless people are also in the employ of the loving, caring Creator

3. Angel’s aren’t pretty – especially Gabriel

4. Don’t fuck with wall climbing grannies – they will bite you to shit

5. Inside of all of us is a bubbling acid that burns through anything – therefore if somebody is about to explode, take cover

6. Dennis Quaid’s career is in a worse state than I thought

7. Smoking when you’re pregnant doesn’t harm your baby, in fact, it makes it the chosen one

8. My mother was right - Ice-cream truck drivers ARE creepy and sinister

9. Trust big, creepy strangers who carry guns, they’re nice people

10. If you want to write a script and have a feature film made from it, you don’t have to worry about the tedious details of explaining what’s happening or even tying the knots together at the end. Just leave countless questions unanswered, at the end of the day it’s only the viewers that will care.

Most of these points probably won’t make sense to you if you haven’t watched the film, don’t worry; they won’t make sense if you have watched it either. In fact almost all of them are total contradictions to what the Christian God is supposed to represent. Actually, most of what happens in the film has no religious base of any kind.

But even though most of the film is mindless and utterly confusing it is undeniably cool. Who doesn’t want to see Paul Bettany shooting countless bullets at Kevin Durand (you’ll know him when you see him) and angels as antagonists? SO if there’s nothing else to do you might as well watch it. But don’t rush to the cinema because at the end of the day – it’s average.

4 ½ Hoers (the bottom half)

James ‘ The defender of the innocent and destroyer of bad-ass black winged angels’ Brown (It’s long but it’ll catch on)