Bored aand without meth

I’d pay to see Jason Schwartzmann play a bully or a brutal murderer or in a cage fight, Schwartzmann has this tendency to look like that kid in high-school who had someone take a shit in their school bag, or that other kid who got face-raped by the biggest girl in school but no-one shed a tear or even cared because he was just too random and small. You know the kind of kid who Darwin would claim was an evolutionary anomaly, or if you ever were to imagine in a same-sex couple as the bottom. He’s whiny, tiny and generally just hittable, but for some weird reason he’s also amiable.

This is realized excessively in Jonathan Ames’s “Bored To Death” where Schwartzmann plays Jonathan Ames a young precocious novelist who ‘moonlights’ as a Private Dick, but unfortunately never really attends to his own. It’s Funny, but not fat children falling over funny, or Eddie Murphy in an all leather suit funny, but a public kind of funny where you laugh and turn around with a little pretentious wink and mouth to your buddy “you get it” because the joke involves some kind of post-modern cultural reference that only an anglophile or the love child of Christian Lander and Wes Anderson would get. It’s so full of its own crap but Ames uses a certain reflexivity to highlight this which makes it twice as funny, and hold it I’m gonna say it but don’t circumcise me yet, Ironic.

Bored to Death is fantastic, well rounded, consequential, cautiously daring and laden with a star-studded effective cast –yeah Entourage I’m aiming at you!- and is littered with a series of guest appearances which would send the average indie kid into seizure. Schwartzmann owns shit intensely as Ames and coupled with his uber-kitsch wardrobe which would make Chuck Bass give up cock for a whole month makes him one of the funniest and most predictably interesting characters of 2009.

Television’s crap, let’s face it good television is like a personality in Bishopscourt, it’s rare and hardly ever happens, but when it does oh man is it awesome. Bored to Death is a classic example of this and one that I’d thoroughly suggest, almost as much as I’d suggest never going to ass to mouth, but that’s a different chapter in a different book Jonanthan Ames [the character] will research and mimic.

In Love and Spinach

Rosie Roy

COPENHAGEN 15 - 2009

NOW THIS WOULD'VE SAVED THE PLANET!

FREE COCAINE AND VITAMIN WATER

Title: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Director: Terry Gilliam

Release Date: 05-02-2010

So I don’t know if you know of a guy by the name of Terry Gilliam? Someone once referred to him as human cocaine, because he’s fuckin amazing, but man too much of him will fuck you up!

Well Mr. G strikes again in 2010 and this promises to be his most ambitious project yet, The film tells the story of Dr. Parnassus and his extraordinary 'Imaginarium', a travelling show where members of the audience get an irresistible opportunity to choose between light and joy or darkness and gloom. But then Gilliam completely flips the script, he throws in a love story, The devil played by Tom Waits –It don’t get no better!- a child who belongs to Tom Waits but was born of the immortal, serial gambling Dr. Parnassus. But then just to let shit get more out of hand the entire narrative focuses on Parnassus trying to go back on his wager with uSatan! And enlisting the help of a myriad and fantastic characters. But what really makes this almost unbearable to wait for is the fact that the lead character in he film was played by none other than Mr. Heath Ledger, who if you will remember died, ja it sucks, so Giliam being the bad muthafucka that he is salvaged the entire project by bringing in Johnny “I win” Depp, Jude “really he’s still acting” Law and Colin “what condom?” Farell to play different versions of his character! It’s oh so bold it’s so ambitious but does it not sound so delicious?

We’re going to have to pray for fire for this one children, because it sounds way too awesome to be true.

5^th of February? That seems far, but so does Malmo!

BOROLE OUT!

GO GAY GO LOW GO FAST!

I love it when Heterosexual actors go gay for a role, it makes the whole concept of Gay for pay in the Adult industry that more entertaining. Heterosexual actors involving themselves in Homosexual acts is a lot like watching Fat kids exercise it’s sincerely humorous and endearing. On the one hand its touching in that these ‘noble and honorable’ beings are going so far to further the cause of homosexuals ala Laurence Olivier in Othello and on the other its hilarious because beneath all those years of method acting and artistic integrity you’re still thinking “AWKWARD, AWKWARD!

That’s for heterosexual actors of course, if you are gay kiss my ass! Because that’s not work that’s just getting ass you should be paying for it like the rest of us!

I digress, anyhoo, it’s taken 16 whole months for the United States of Cream Cakes and Corn Starch Kids to finally allow Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey to make out in a commercial cinema –Damn Them!- in the film “I love you Phillip Morris”. Which I’m afraid to say we’ll probably never see in a South African cinema, as the last thing the ANC and Ster-Kinekor need to see is the Gay-Gevaar, especially after we’ve just got over the Swaart-Gevaar and the Mlungu-Gevaar and the Happy Sindane-Gevaar!

Gevaar! Beautiful word.

Write a letter! Send an E-mail! Make a phone call! Do something so we can watch this gem on a gigantic screen for an unquestionably unreasonable amount of money because anyone who doesn’t want to see Megan Fox taking a shit on a desk must have money.

Hmmm…

They should make a sequel to this “I love you Fikile Mbalula”….

I wonder who will hold the proverbial Mshini Wami in this flick?

INSERT COIN, INSERT COIN.

Run Lola Run is a lot like a 12-way with the St. Anne’s College Hockey 1^st XI, it never gets old and they never get tired. It’s one of those films that makes you hate your high-school science teacher, for that uber-fuck stain would make you do the most inane boring shit you’ve ever encountered to come out with the same retarded outcome every time. That’s the problem with the science they teach in schools today, it blows, all the experiments you do are fuckin lame, mix water and oil… How about mate Panda and Rhinoceros or make Napalm or decipher Helen Zille’s gender?!

That’s the shit that would get kids interested! Like Run Lola Run, essentially it’s just short of fuckin unbelievable and the reasoning for this is Tom Tykwer –the director and writer- does a lot of experimenting. First-time features for Auteurs are always my favourites because regardless of whether they’re good or not they’re always fuck-entertaining. Run Lola Run is a classic example of this.

The narrative is simple boyfriend fucks up and needs girlfriends help, girlfriend runs to help him. But then Tykwer hits the HOLD UP HEY! Button and shit really gets twisted. Super-Rrrranger Lola is given three chances to save her catamite looking boyfriend Manni from fucking up anymore than he already has. Kind of like a video game except better because each vignette is filled with inane kind of drabble that only insecure retarded twenty-something would discuss in bed, except Tykwer’s dialogue is a lot more genuine and relative. Each time she does save him somehow shit manages to fuck out, and every time it almost seems impossible. The beauty of the film lies in the opening epilogue "The ball is round, the game lasts 90 minutes, everything else is pure theory,” this seems simplistic enough, But Tywker puts all this lipstick on it and a sexy pair of stiletto’s and some dirty dirty panties and once the film’s done you need a cigarette and some serious spooning time. The film has a certain freshness to it which makes viewing it a new experience in itself every time, especially with regards to the actual runs Lola makes. Chick can run, watching her makes you think of having the film made compulsory for all girls who show more crack than the liberty. Chick’s fit and fuckin inventive like her director.

Tykwer chucks in a series of philosophical and ethical questions to make this a real cinematic feast –all under two hours whoo!-, but not the kind of uber-douchetastic questions you’re likely to hear at some kind of whine and dine cheese and sleaze arty gathering. But rather the kind of questions that everyone asks themselves like “Is it wrong to steal my ex-girlfriends underwear if she stole them from La Senza herself?”

Its sublime a real fuckin cinematic gem and not the kind that your dying Film Professor recommends which you’d rather shave your tongue than watch, but a gem in that you’re not reliant on the subtitles or any kind of specific cultural knowledge for it to make sense. It’s a rare kind of simple yet fuckin complicated Filmmaking which is so rare and coveted like the male contraceptive pill.

To quote my main man Tony the Tiger Run Lola Run is “Greeaat!”

A Tiger eating cereal and wearing a scarf? And you wonder why there’s a war in Iraq….

BOROLE OUT!

WHAT’S MY NAME, WATSON!!!!???

Title: Sherlock Holmes
Director: Guy Ritchie
Release Date: 08-12-2009

I remember the first-time I saw Snatch, my friends and I all decided that we’d go to school the next week and find the fattest blackest child we could and name him Tyrone and ensure that he get a drivers license illegally, so that he’s be shit at driving and then give him an English accent and then we’d name him Tyrone and whenever he did anything remotely retarded we’d be like “Tyrell what ‘ave you done?”. It was precocious but fuck did it seem like a good idea, that Guy Ritchie circa Snatch (2000) he was a visionary an Autuer, fuck I was pretty sure guy Ritchie was responsible for 90% of sewerage complaints in the London area as I was sure he shat bullets out his ass, the man was a demi-god, a general bad mother. Then he married Madonna and well that walking VD-factory managed to poison all the awesomeness out of him and he gave us that fuckin horrid flick Swept Away and then Revolver which was a lot like the time I caught my uncle rubbing vanilla ice-cream on his genitals. We’re not gonna talk about it! and then RocknRolla which was a lot like bad head, average but you’d rather have it than not have it.

So now here it is Sherlock Holmes, It seems like a piece of shit to me personally but then again we’re holding out that the parting from the Succubus Madge has managed to give good ol’ Popeye Ritchie back the spunk that made him and Mike Tyson some of the baddest men alive. It’s hard to fail, but we’re not talking about failing here we’re talking about taking names and Sodomy, which he achieved with “Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels”. So join me on the 8^th of January outside of Cavendish Ster Kinekor and find out if the dreams of Mathieu’s sister come true and maybe I can go find my Tyrone in the hordes of West Africans which now inhabit our country and make pimps look stylish.

Borole Out! Of the Closet!

Lesbians are real.