No Highlights in Twilight

23! That’s the amount of times I heard love confessed in the latest instalment of the Twilight saga, New Moon. Coincidentally that is also the rating that I would give it on a scale from 0 to 100. In this modern day love triangle Bella (Kristen Stewart) is forced to choose between two ‘men’ who are polar opposites. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is warm to the touch, tanned, two years her junior and covered in rippling muscle. Edward (Robert Pattinson) is cold, pale, 90 years older than her and has an insubstantial build.

Some might argue that it is not fair that I review New Moon as I have less than a quarter of the required Estrogen levels to buy into it. But, sadly, that is not why I disliked the second Twilight film. I didn’t enjoy it simply because it was tacky.

New Moon felt like a sell out compared to the original film (which says a lot). It was as if after the first film they had realised what a fantastic job the casting department had done and employed every possible tactic in order to capitalise on that. Edward Cullen seems to only move in slow motion and has his own weather pattern as a gentle breeze continuously blows solely on him. Since Jacob has ‘filled out’, as he so aptly words it, causing him to double in size since the last film he doesn’t seem to feel the need to wear a shirt… ever. Bella, on the other hand revealed as little of herself as ever, so little in fact that she only showed two emotions; depression and misery (there’s appears to be a subtle difference).

Unfortunately, my issues with the film do not stop at the cast. The story of New Moon seemed really thin, as if they didn’t have enough to fill the required amount of screen time. Perhaps they only realised this quite late on in production and decided to insert the multiple shots of characters walking in slow motion. The slow motion became so tedious and awkward eventually that the audience began to laugh uncomfortably, which detracted from the film.

However, to be fair, I do understand that I don’t fit into the target market for the film. So my conclusion is that if you are a young girl who listens to Lady Gaga and feels that the world doesn’t quite understand you (except Edward of course), or if you are a guy who desperately wants to be with a girl but can’t because you’re afraid that you’ll hurt her, then this film is for you.

James ‘the soon to be heavily rebuked’ Brown